Nathan and Dan recently completed their first script draft for ‘The World Of The Willows’. The plan is to be on the third version of the script ready for the pitching presentations, that way putting us ahead of the game and able to work to our own deadlines (still to be discussed between us). Currently the script is only known by a select few individuals, I have given the following feedback which Dan and Nathan were both happy about and are willing to use in their amendments for the second script draft.
Jumps back and forth between time a lot, from reading alone I find it difficult to get a grasp on where the narrative is. Some of these are very short sequences what feel like they could be placed in the same scene as other parts of dialogue.
Identified five major parts:
1 – Establishing characters & relationship
2 – Stealing medication & killing gang member
3 – Pursued by gang
4 – Gang killed by machines (why is she left?)
5 – Casey killed by machines
Explore the relationship between Kramer and Freddie, Kramer remains an archetype, could be worth establishing this in order to understand his intent. It is obvious if your brother was killed you’d want to get the attackers, but there is room for further explanation, perhaps showing a softer side to him beneath the strong exterior he presents to his gang.
Casey is the strong and the leader of the group, she has become a parent figure especially for Elly. Elly is the young child who is unaware of everything going on around her, her innocence shields her from the real danger than Casey protects her from. Amber is caught in the middle, she feels like Casey still treats her like a child and feels forced to babysit Elly. She wants to be treated like an adult and help, she is vaguely aware that Casey will go soon but doesn’t want her to.
Page 5 – “It’s her last one” – does this still work with the fact its used again when the gang chases her?
Establishing the gang makes me think of ‘Hobo With A Shotgun’, could be worth watching to consider how to establish and emphasise the extreme violence. How young is the boy who is being attacked? Making the age of the child younger will make this very distressing and show the gang as sadistic, if the person is older the effect will be reduced.
Page 8 – “Who fucking did this?” – he seems to be angry but doesn’t seem too shaken at the death of his brother. May want to clarify in terms of performance, I could imagine him showing a brief sign of weakness in front of his gang before pulling himself together and remaining as the alpha male. Perhaps Morris comforts which snaps him back into the alpha role. Potential for build up when he finds Casey, hears a whimper and announces he knows Casey is there, starts to approach smashing objects until he gets to the point where she is, then he whispers.
How does Casey get to the tent before the gang pursuing her on the car? – Might need proof of her hiding and them driving in an opposite direction.
Scene playing cards works extremely well in defining Ambers relationship amongst the sisters, perfect reflection of her struggle between being a child and an adult. Shows her immaturity.
The bike scene is cute, shows how the innocence of Elly can remove the problems Casey and Amber are facing. May be worth building upon this scene as it feels out of place, heighten his idea of her innocence against their problems or could be removed.
The fish tank scene feels unnecessary, adds another location for the case of a few lines of dialogue, can be removed or dealt with in the previous scene.
Page 21 – “Some birthday ey?” – If it was her 20th birthday why do the machines not take her despite finding her?